Right now I am feeling
by Tina Muller
Summary: Have you ever wonder what Spock is actually feeling after Kirk "dies"? Read this OS and find out! Mild Kirk x Spock
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not owe the characters. If I did, Kirk would be mine ;)

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I stare at the dying man behind the glass which separates me from him. His lips move and his voice is weak when he says "I'm scared, Spock. How do you choose not to feel?" His question is simple. But the answer is difficult. On Vulcan, you spend your whole life in a never-ending battle, trying to come over your feelings so you can live a life ruled by simple logic. Do not argue, do not think about anything that is _unlikely _to happen. Stay to the truth. It is this thought that almost brings me down on my knees. The truth. I know that it won't help Kirk. But I have no choice; I look him in the eyes, locking them with mine. "I do not know. Right now I am feeling." It is worse than in the volcano. It is even worse than seeing Vulcan exploding. The feeling can't be described properly; it is one of the rare occasions in which words fail me. Suddenly, he stops looking at me and it is all too much for me. I've just lost a friend. No, more than a friend. A man who could have been my brother and possibly more.

I don't realize that Uhura and Mr. Scott are behind me. I don't care that this ship is falling to pieces. All I care about is the dying man in front of me. That's when I lose it. I open my mouth and scream out all the rage I've sworn I'd never feel. "KHAN!"

I don't know how this is even possible. Being overwhelmed by one's feelings but at the same time totally focused. This is not rage, I got it wrong. This is hatred. And it's making me feel cold as ice from the inside. It isn't a decision when I follow Khan via Warp. The decision has been made up the moment I looked into Kirk's eyes. He would do the same if I were in his shoes. The city is crowded but that…that insolent bastard is not far ahead of me. I will get him. Even if it takes me all my lifetime. I have a long lifetime. He will not escape his fate. He will not escape me. Khan turns around and breaks into a run.

"No, it is impossible, my son. He is too far away." I decide to ignore this voice of logic for the first time in my life and I jump. The anger has doubled my strength and somehow, I manage to catch hold on that flying transporter. All that matters now is that Khan won't get away. He will not get away with killing Kirk. I will make that sure, even if it's the last thing I'm going to do.

At some point, Khan and me share a basic understanding of each other. I am the one who lives his life on the psychical aspect of cold logic; he lives his depending on the powerful physical training. This is more than a clash of cultures and more than a matter of life and death. This is about revenge. The strangest thing that has ever occurred to me is fighting him. It is – was – Kirk who fought with his fists and not with his mind. The whole universe has been turned upside down for me and now I will turn it upside down for Khan.

Even if Khan is a superhuman, he is still human. And there are a few specific points on a human body which can cause unbearable pain if someone dares to touch them. I do dare and place my hand on a point at his neck – and push. He is in pain, I can feel it, and it pushes me into frenzy. I don't want to stop. He shall die – even more painful than Kirk. He shall suffer. Suffer from my hands, the same hand which was the last Kirk has seen in his life will be the last thing Khan will see – in a much less friendly and lovingly gesture. The thought about the mental kiss we shared marks doomsday for me. Khan uses this one moment to take his advantage and places both hands on my head. And he increases the pressure on my temples. I try to calculate the pressure but it is useless because I know how it is going to end. My life is going to end. I think about the emotions Pike has felt before he died and the same mixture of emotions floods my whole body. Yet there is one thing that makes death acceptable for me. It is not the fact that death is the one sure thing in life. It is the fact that, maybe, I will see him again. See Kirk again. I shut my eyes, thinking – dreaming – about what I will do if we ever meet again. Begging his pardon for obeying the rules and almost ruin his career. I've tried to live a life without emotions but there is one thing I've forgotten: I am half human and the human part of me craves for emotions. I've lost a wonderful friend, perhaps the only friend I have. Kirk…

I know that I am dead. The pressure, the pain, all gone. Hoping, that I will face a certain blue-eyed man, I open my eyes again and gaze around in wonder. Fair enough, I am still alive. Turning around, I see Uhura and Khan. She has saved my life. Saved my life and killed every chance on redemption. Enraged, I begin hitting Khan. Again, again, and over again. He has taken everything from me, Kirk, the Enterprise and a life without emotions. I am unable to describe how it feels, to hit him. To cause him pain similar to the one I have felt from the moment the Warp core and my life started falling apart.

It is her voice that finally stops me. "We need him to save Kirk!" Kirk? Kirk is alive? For a second, I am unable to think; being overwhelmed by those illogical feelings which started the moment he obviously died. But he is alive. This one sentence repeats itself over and over again in my head. "Now this is for making my think I've lost Kirk!" I murmur to myself, so low that nobody hears it, neither Khan nor Uhura. My arm is lifted without thinking about it and the last thing Khan sees is my fist before the world finally blacks out for him.

The next two weeks pass without noticing it. Half of my time, I spent with the Commanders, telling them of Admiral Marcus' high-treason and advising them to put Khan back in his capsule and lock all of them, Khan and his crew, away for all the time. The other half I am with Kirk, who is getting well slowly. I don't know why this is making me so happy. I mean, I am supposed to have a life free of these annoying emotions. At least until he almost died. And I can't help but think about the tears dripping from my eyes.

Yet after two endless weeks, I feel like crying again, but this time due to overwhelming happiness. Kirk wakes up and I am finally able to lose myself again in his blue eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

To all the readers who like this story so much: Thank you a thousand times!

I just want to inform you that another Star Trek OS of mine can be found at my profile "How do you choose not to feel?" features the same movie scene, but from Kirk's perspective.

If you choose to read it, I hope you'll enjoy it!


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